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.I felt silly.I had never done this before.I laid there for a minute, silent, staring up into the dark—into the utter blackness.My heart was pounding.After a few, deep breaths, I began.“God, please,” I begged silently into the night, “please, if you’re there … help me.I … I need you.Please, if you’re real, show me.Help me to believe.Help me, God.I’m calling to you in a desperate condition, I can’t take much more.Get me out in the nick of time, God … please; please … I beg you … help me ….”I’m not sure when the tears started, but I felt them wet and heavy on my cheeks.I don’t know what I expected—some whisper in the dark perhaps, or a hand heavy on my shoulder—but there was nothing, just dark and the quiet surrounding me, unchanging.But then, there was something.I don’t know how to describe it … it was so subtle.There weren’t any fireworks exploding within me or anything, it was more like something just … clicked.Like whatever had been missing before was suddenly found.Like the last piece of the puzzle was finally in place.That’s not even it though; it was even more delicate than that.Suddenly, I just knew that God was real.That everything the Bible said was true.That my heart was beating for a purpose, and that purpose was God.Peace flooded over me.More peace than I had ever known.I couldn’t explain it.It was better than any high I’d ever had.More potent than heroin, and … cleaner feeling.Like this peace was the right kind of peace.Like a soft, warm blanket it enveloped me.I felt safer than I ever had, more love than I had ever known.All my agony was gone, all my sadness, all my guilt and despair.After a few moments of nothing but amazing light-heartedness, all I could do was utter silent thoughts of deep, sincere thankfulness.And sometime in the midst of thanking God, I fell fast asleep, and stayed that way until morning.“He led you out of your dark, dark cell, broke open the jail and led you out.So thank God for his marvellous love, for his miracle mercy to the children he loves ….”Allison had to shake me awake.“Mackenzie!” She called.“You’re going to be late for breakfast.”I stretched in my bed, and yawned.I hadn’t slept so wonderfully in ages and ages—I hadn’t felt such peace in my entire life.The moment I opened my eyes I expected it all to come crashing down on me again—the heaviness, the sorrow.And while I did still feel the pain that came from losing Grey … it was more bearable than it had ever been.And the peace … it remained.I couldn’t explain it … it was just there.I smiled at Allison—like actually smiled, I felt so hopeful.All this time my life had felt like the beginning of night; dark, fretful and weary, with no end in sight.Now, I felt the first light of dawn slowly creeping over the horizon of my world, chasing the darkness and the shadows away, holding real hope in its warmth.Like today was the beginning.Like nothing before today even mattered.My smile surprised Allison so much that she actually frowned at me.I had broken another unwritten rule between us, smiling upon waking apparently was not allowed, not when in rehab.Part of me wanted to share with her what I had experienced, what I had found in the dark reaches of the night.But I knew that Allison wouldn’t appreciate it, and this was all too new to me to have it sullied by someone who didn’t understand.So, as much as the words were nearly bursting out of me, just dying to be told, I bit my tongue.There was only one person I was ready to tell.One person who would really understand.I nearly raced to the meeting room that afternoon when it was time.Riley was there, like usual, sitting behind the table and waiting for me.I paused outside the door and just looked at him a moment.His dark hair was still growing out from his buzz cut; it was thicker now, nearly to his ears.He wore a burnt orange long sleeved t-shirt, tight against his broad shoulders; and dark blue jeans that accentuated his newfound muscular physic.His dark eyes were staring down at the coffee cup he was gripping with both hands, as if he were still chilled from the arctic-like weather we’d been having.He was the same.He was different.I felt like I really knew him now, now that I understood.I felt more connected to him than I had in a really, really long time.With a smile on my face, I opened the door.Riley was nearly as shocked as Allison had been by the sincere expression of happiness upon my face.He looked taken aback; he just stared and stared at me a moment.The look on his face made me want to laugh aloud, but I held back, giggling instead into my hand.“I can’t believe I’m laughing, Riley.” I shook my head.“I never thought I’d laugh again.”I didn’t have to say it, but just from that sentence, Riley understood.The smile he gave me then was unlike any smile he’d ever given me before.His dark eyes were shining with tears as he came around the table and wrapped me up in a tremendous hug.“I’m so happy, Mac.” He spoke into my ear.“You have no idea, how long I’ve … I’ve been praying and praying.” He held me tightly.His arms were so warm, so safe.I pressed my face against his chest and muffled my laughter into his shirt.“He’s real, Ry.He’s really real.”“I know.I know he is.”“I’m so ….” I shook my head.How to describe it? “I feel so … light … so … happy.I can’t believe it.” I looked up at my friend, worriedly.“Is it wrong? Is it wrong to feel this good?”“No.” Riley held my arms in his warm, strong hands and answered me sincerely.“No, it’s not wrong.As hard as it may be to believe, you do deserve happiness, Mac.”“But … will he understand?” I wondered hopefully.“Of course he will.” Riley hugged me tightly against him.“Grey wants you to be happy too.”I pressed myself against Riley’s hard chest and shut my eyes, knowing his words to be true.I imagined Grey’s perfect face, his blue eyes shining, his lips smirking as he whispered in my ear.“Live.Be happy.”I will be happy, Grey, someday.But I’ll never stop loving you.CHAPTER 66I tore into my rehabilitation with such fervour that I took even myself by surprise.I surprised everyone but Riley.He knew once I made up my mind there’d be no stopping me.And he was right.Now, instead of rolling my eyes at the twelve-step program, I deliberately and wholeheartedly went through each one, embracing them as necessary for my healing [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
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.I felt silly.I had never done this before.I laid there for a minute, silent, staring up into the dark—into the utter blackness.My heart was pounding.After a few, deep breaths, I began.“God, please,” I begged silently into the night, “please, if you’re there … help me.I … I need you.Please, if you’re real, show me.Help me to believe.Help me, God.I’m calling to you in a desperate condition, I can’t take much more.Get me out in the nick of time, God … please; please … I beg you … help me ….”I’m not sure when the tears started, but I felt them wet and heavy on my cheeks.I don’t know what I expected—some whisper in the dark perhaps, or a hand heavy on my shoulder—but there was nothing, just dark and the quiet surrounding me, unchanging.But then, there was something.I don’t know how to describe it … it was so subtle.There weren’t any fireworks exploding within me or anything, it was more like something just … clicked.Like whatever had been missing before was suddenly found.Like the last piece of the puzzle was finally in place.That’s not even it though; it was even more delicate than that.Suddenly, I just knew that God was real.That everything the Bible said was true.That my heart was beating for a purpose, and that purpose was God.Peace flooded over me.More peace than I had ever known.I couldn’t explain it.It was better than any high I’d ever had.More potent than heroin, and … cleaner feeling.Like this peace was the right kind of peace.Like a soft, warm blanket it enveloped me.I felt safer than I ever had, more love than I had ever known.All my agony was gone, all my sadness, all my guilt and despair.After a few moments of nothing but amazing light-heartedness, all I could do was utter silent thoughts of deep, sincere thankfulness.And sometime in the midst of thanking God, I fell fast asleep, and stayed that way until morning.“He led you out of your dark, dark cell, broke open the jail and led you out.So thank God for his marvellous love, for his miracle mercy to the children he loves ….”Allison had to shake me awake.“Mackenzie!” She called.“You’re going to be late for breakfast.”I stretched in my bed, and yawned.I hadn’t slept so wonderfully in ages and ages—I hadn’t felt such peace in my entire life.The moment I opened my eyes I expected it all to come crashing down on me again—the heaviness, the sorrow.And while I did still feel the pain that came from losing Grey … it was more bearable than it had ever been.And the peace … it remained.I couldn’t explain it … it was just there.I smiled at Allison—like actually smiled, I felt so hopeful.All this time my life had felt like the beginning of night; dark, fretful and weary, with no end in sight.Now, I felt the first light of dawn slowly creeping over the horizon of my world, chasing the darkness and the shadows away, holding real hope in its warmth.Like today was the beginning.Like nothing before today even mattered.My smile surprised Allison so much that she actually frowned at me.I had broken another unwritten rule between us, smiling upon waking apparently was not allowed, not when in rehab.Part of me wanted to share with her what I had experienced, what I had found in the dark reaches of the night.But I knew that Allison wouldn’t appreciate it, and this was all too new to me to have it sullied by someone who didn’t understand.So, as much as the words were nearly bursting out of me, just dying to be told, I bit my tongue.There was only one person I was ready to tell.One person who would really understand.I nearly raced to the meeting room that afternoon when it was time.Riley was there, like usual, sitting behind the table and waiting for me.I paused outside the door and just looked at him a moment.His dark hair was still growing out from his buzz cut; it was thicker now, nearly to his ears.He wore a burnt orange long sleeved t-shirt, tight against his broad shoulders; and dark blue jeans that accentuated his newfound muscular physic.His dark eyes were staring down at the coffee cup he was gripping with both hands, as if he were still chilled from the arctic-like weather we’d been having.He was the same.He was different.I felt like I really knew him now, now that I understood.I felt more connected to him than I had in a really, really long time.With a smile on my face, I opened the door.Riley was nearly as shocked as Allison had been by the sincere expression of happiness upon my face.He looked taken aback; he just stared and stared at me a moment.The look on his face made me want to laugh aloud, but I held back, giggling instead into my hand.“I can’t believe I’m laughing, Riley.” I shook my head.“I never thought I’d laugh again.”I didn’t have to say it, but just from that sentence, Riley understood.The smile he gave me then was unlike any smile he’d ever given me before.His dark eyes were shining with tears as he came around the table and wrapped me up in a tremendous hug.“I’m so happy, Mac.” He spoke into my ear.“You have no idea, how long I’ve … I’ve been praying and praying.” He held me tightly.His arms were so warm, so safe.I pressed my face against his chest and muffled my laughter into his shirt.“He’s real, Ry.He’s really real.”“I know.I know he is.”“I’m so ….” I shook my head.How to describe it? “I feel so … light … so … happy.I can’t believe it.” I looked up at my friend, worriedly.“Is it wrong? Is it wrong to feel this good?”“No.” Riley held my arms in his warm, strong hands and answered me sincerely.“No, it’s not wrong.As hard as it may be to believe, you do deserve happiness, Mac.”“But … will he understand?” I wondered hopefully.“Of course he will.” Riley hugged me tightly against him.“Grey wants you to be happy too.”I pressed myself against Riley’s hard chest and shut my eyes, knowing his words to be true.I imagined Grey’s perfect face, his blue eyes shining, his lips smirking as he whispered in my ear.“Live.Be happy.”I will be happy, Grey, someday.But I’ll never stop loving you.CHAPTER 66I tore into my rehabilitation with such fervour that I took even myself by surprise.I surprised everyone but Riley.He knew once I made up my mind there’d be no stopping me.And he was right.Now, instead of rolling my eyes at the twelve-step program, I deliberately and wholeheartedly went through each one, embracing them as necessary for my healing [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]