[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
.''But the men would find them just the same without you--why should you insist?'Gerald looked up at him.Then he put his hand affectionately on Birkin's shoulder, saying:'Don't you bother about me, Rupert.If there's anybody's health to think about, it's yours, not mine.How doyou feel yourself?''Very well.But you, you spoil your own chance of life--you waste your best self.'Gerald was silent for a moment.Then he said:'Waste it? What else is there to do with it?''But leave this, won't you? You force yourself into horrors, and put a mill-stone of beastly memories roundyour neck.Come away now.''A mill-stone of beastly memories!' Gerald repeated.Then he put his hand again affectionately on Birkin'sshoulder.'God, you've got such a telling way of putting things, Rupert, you have.'Birkin's heart sank.He was irritated and weary of having a telling way of putting things.'Won't you leave it? Come over to my place'--he urged as one urges a drunken man.Women in Love 148/371 Women in Love'No,' said Gerald coaxingly, his arm across the other man's shoulder.'Thanks very much, Rupert--I shall beglad to come tomorrow, if that'll do.You understand, don't you? I want to see this job through.But I'll cometomorrow, right enough.Oh, I'd rather come and have a chat with you than--than do anything else, I verilybelieve.Yes, I would.You mean a lot to me, Rupert, more than you know.''What do I mean, more than I know?' asked Birkin irritably.He was acutely aware of Gerald's hand on hisshoulder.And he did not want this altercation.He wanted the other man to come out of the ugly misery.'I'll tell you another time,' said Gerald coaxingly.'Come along with me now--I want you to come,' said Birkin.There was a pause, intense and real.Birkin wondered why his own heart beat so heavily.Then Gerald'sfingers gripped hard and communicative into Birkin's shoulder, as he said:'No, I'll see this job through, Rupert.Thank you--I know what you mean.We're all right, you know, you andme.''I may be all right, but I'm sure you're not, mucking about here,' said Birkin.And he went away.The bodies of the dead were not recovered till towards dawn.Diana had her arms tight round the neck of theyoung man, choking him.'She killed him,' said Gerald.The moon sloped down the sky and sank at last.The lake was sunk to quarter size, it had horrible raw banksof clay, that smelled of raw rottenish water.Dawn roused faintly behind the eastern hill.The water stillboomed through the sluice.As the birds were whistling for the first morning, and the hills at the back of the desolate lake stood radiantwith the new mists, there was a straggling procession up to Shortlands, men bearing the bodies on a stretcher,Gerald going beside them, the two grey-bearded fathers following in silence.Indoors the family was allsitting up, waiting.Somebody must go to tell the mother, in her room.The doctor in secret struggled to bringback his son, till he himself was exhausted.Over all the outlying district was a hush of dreadful excitement on that Sunday morning.The colliery peoplefelt as if this catastrophe had happened directly to themselves, indeed they were more shocked and frightenedthan if their own men had been killed.Such a tragedy in Shortlands, the high home of the district! One of theyoung mistresses, persisting in dancing on the cabin roof of the launch, wilful young madam, drowned in themidst of the festival, with the young doctor! Everywhere on the Sunday morning, the colliers wandered about,discussing the calamity.At all the Sunday dinners of the people, there seemed a strange presence.It was as ifthe angel of death were very near, there was a sense of the supernatural in the air.The men had excited,startled faces, the women looked solemn, some of them had been crying.The children enjoyed the excitementat first.There was an intensity in the air, almost magical.Did all enjoy it? Did all enjoy the thrill?Gudrun had wild ideas of rushing to comfort Gerald.She was thinking all the time of the perfect comforting,reassuring thing to say to him.She was shocked and frightened, but she put that away, thinking of how sheshould deport herself with Gerald: act her part.That was the real thrill: how she should act her part.Ursula was deeply and passionately in love with Birkin, and she was capable of nothing.She was perfectlycallous about all the talk of the accident, but her estranged air looked like trouble.She merely sat by herself,Women in Love 149/371 Women in Lovewhenever she could, and longed to see him again.She wanted him to come to the house,--she would not haveit otherwise, he must come at once.She was waiting for him.She stayed indoors all day, waiting for him toknock at the door.Every minute, she glanced automatically at the window.He would be there.CHAPTER XV.SUNDAY EVENINGAs the day wore on, the life-blood seemed to ebb away from Ursula, and within the emptiness a heavydespair gathered.Her passion seemed to bleed to death, and there was nothing.She sat suspended in a state ofcomplete nullity, harder to bear than death.'Unless something happens,' she said to herself, in the perfect lucidity of final suffering, 'I shall die.I am at theend of my line of life.'She sat crushed and obliterated in a darkness that was the border of death.She realised how all her life she hadbeen drawing nearer and nearer to this brink, where there was no beyond, from which one had to leap likeSappho into the unknown.The knowledge of the imminence of death was like a drug.Darkly, withoutthinking at all, she knew that she was near to death.She had travelled all her life along the line of fulfilment,and it was nearly concluded [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
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.''But the men would find them just the same without you--why should you insist?'Gerald looked up at him.Then he put his hand affectionately on Birkin's shoulder, saying:'Don't you bother about me, Rupert.If there's anybody's health to think about, it's yours, not mine.How doyou feel yourself?''Very well.But you, you spoil your own chance of life--you waste your best self.'Gerald was silent for a moment.Then he said:'Waste it? What else is there to do with it?''But leave this, won't you? You force yourself into horrors, and put a mill-stone of beastly memories roundyour neck.Come away now.''A mill-stone of beastly memories!' Gerald repeated.Then he put his hand again affectionately on Birkin'sshoulder.'God, you've got such a telling way of putting things, Rupert, you have.'Birkin's heart sank.He was irritated and weary of having a telling way of putting things.'Won't you leave it? Come over to my place'--he urged as one urges a drunken man.Women in Love 148/371 Women in Love'No,' said Gerald coaxingly, his arm across the other man's shoulder.'Thanks very much, Rupert--I shall beglad to come tomorrow, if that'll do.You understand, don't you? I want to see this job through.But I'll cometomorrow, right enough.Oh, I'd rather come and have a chat with you than--than do anything else, I verilybelieve.Yes, I would.You mean a lot to me, Rupert, more than you know.''What do I mean, more than I know?' asked Birkin irritably.He was acutely aware of Gerald's hand on hisshoulder.And he did not want this altercation.He wanted the other man to come out of the ugly misery.'I'll tell you another time,' said Gerald coaxingly.'Come along with me now--I want you to come,' said Birkin.There was a pause, intense and real.Birkin wondered why his own heart beat so heavily.Then Gerald'sfingers gripped hard and communicative into Birkin's shoulder, as he said:'No, I'll see this job through, Rupert.Thank you--I know what you mean.We're all right, you know, you andme.''I may be all right, but I'm sure you're not, mucking about here,' said Birkin.And he went away.The bodies of the dead were not recovered till towards dawn.Diana had her arms tight round the neck of theyoung man, choking him.'She killed him,' said Gerald.The moon sloped down the sky and sank at last.The lake was sunk to quarter size, it had horrible raw banksof clay, that smelled of raw rottenish water.Dawn roused faintly behind the eastern hill.The water stillboomed through the sluice.As the birds were whistling for the first morning, and the hills at the back of the desolate lake stood radiantwith the new mists, there was a straggling procession up to Shortlands, men bearing the bodies on a stretcher,Gerald going beside them, the two grey-bearded fathers following in silence.Indoors the family was allsitting up, waiting.Somebody must go to tell the mother, in her room.The doctor in secret struggled to bringback his son, till he himself was exhausted.Over all the outlying district was a hush of dreadful excitement on that Sunday morning.The colliery peoplefelt as if this catastrophe had happened directly to themselves, indeed they were more shocked and frightenedthan if their own men had been killed.Such a tragedy in Shortlands, the high home of the district! One of theyoung mistresses, persisting in dancing on the cabin roof of the launch, wilful young madam, drowned in themidst of the festival, with the young doctor! Everywhere on the Sunday morning, the colliers wandered about,discussing the calamity.At all the Sunday dinners of the people, there seemed a strange presence.It was as ifthe angel of death were very near, there was a sense of the supernatural in the air.The men had excited,startled faces, the women looked solemn, some of them had been crying.The children enjoyed the excitementat first.There was an intensity in the air, almost magical.Did all enjoy it? Did all enjoy the thrill?Gudrun had wild ideas of rushing to comfort Gerald.She was thinking all the time of the perfect comforting,reassuring thing to say to him.She was shocked and frightened, but she put that away, thinking of how sheshould deport herself with Gerald: act her part.That was the real thrill: how she should act her part.Ursula was deeply and passionately in love with Birkin, and she was capable of nothing.She was perfectlycallous about all the talk of the accident, but her estranged air looked like trouble.She merely sat by herself,Women in Love 149/371 Women in Lovewhenever she could, and longed to see him again.She wanted him to come to the house,--she would not haveit otherwise, he must come at once.She was waiting for him.She stayed indoors all day, waiting for him toknock at the door.Every minute, she glanced automatically at the window.He would be there.CHAPTER XV.SUNDAY EVENINGAs the day wore on, the life-blood seemed to ebb away from Ursula, and within the emptiness a heavydespair gathered.Her passion seemed to bleed to death, and there was nothing.She sat suspended in a state ofcomplete nullity, harder to bear than death.'Unless something happens,' she said to herself, in the perfect lucidity of final suffering, 'I shall die.I am at theend of my line of life.'She sat crushed and obliterated in a darkness that was the border of death.She realised how all her life she hadbeen drawing nearer and nearer to this brink, where there was no beyond, from which one had to leap likeSappho into the unknown.The knowledge of the imminence of death was like a drug.Darkly, withoutthinking at all, she knew that she was near to death.She had travelled all her life along the line of fulfilment,and it was nearly concluded [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
