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.He would slip them into his pockets and kept them until the end of the day.Some were too brittle and were crushed.Most of them ended up on the coral floor ofthe bungalow bathroom.He used them to while the days away.He used them to keephis focus.One foot in front of the other.One sand dollar and then another.In the beginning, he d wanted to be dead.He d wanted Vornis to just kill him andget it over with.Because nobody was coming for him.Nobody knew where he was.Shit, he didn t really know himself, except he knew it wasn t Colombia anymore.Fiji, Lisa Henry | The Island 50Irina had said, and Lee couldn t even pick out Fiji on a map.It didn t matter.But nowShaw was here, and something had changed.Shaw was going to get off the island andmake that call.For the first time in a long time, Lee allowed himself to think of thefuture.It turned out the future looked exactly like the past.It looked like the house he dgrown up in.It looked like his parents faces.No.Don t think of them.Not yet.He couldn t bear it if he never saw them again.Shaw had offered him a slim hope,but even if he was telling the truth, Lee couldn t trust that it would happen.He couldn tbuild himself up like that.He wouldn t.He could take some solace in his memories, butnot too much.Searching his memories was like pulling at a scab and reopening awound.He had learned to graze the surface, careful not to go too deep.A fine line, butpractice had shown him how to walk it.It was okay to think of places but not people.The memory of places gave himcomfort.The memory of people was too raw.He liked to imagine that he was back inthe house he d grown up in, lying in his bed and looking at the ceiling.The walls weredecorated with colorful pennants and posters of bands he d liked growing up.Whenhe d been home at Christmas, he d laughed at that.His mom kept the room like he wasstill a kid.Stepping through the door was like walking into the past.He d laughed, butnow there was nowhere he d rather be than sleeping in that bed, wearing his oldVikings T-shirt and sweatpants.Home was the safest place in the world.The next safest place was with Shaw.Lee looked out at the water again and turned the sand dollar over and over in hispalm.One foot in front of the other, and don t get ahead of yourself.* * * *The stars were very different here.Lee wondered if he would have felt so lost if hecould only look at the stars he knew.Or maybe that familiarity would have made itworse.His dad loved hiking and camping.Lee couldn t remember the number of timesthey d pitched a tent in the middle of nowhere and spent half the night staring up at thestars.He d known the patterns of the constellations as a child, but he didn t recognizethem half a world away.Lee pressed his hands on the tiled wall of the shower and looked up at the stars.Shaw was asleep upstairs.Now, now was a good time.Lee closed his eyes.Mom, Dad, if I don t make it home I m sorry it ended up like this.His throat constricted with the tears he d expected, and he fought them down. Lisa Henry | The Island 51I m sorry you ll always wonder what happened.Shaw had given him hope, but Lee didn t know what to do with it.He couldn ttrust it, and he wasn t sure he even wanted it.It was all very well to want to live, butafter this? He couldn t be the same person.He didn t know if he could look himself inthe eye, let alone his parents and his colleagues, so maybe it would be better ifNo.Hold on to hope.Count the sand dollars, pass the time, wait and see.Because if Shaw gave him hope, he had to take it.He had to believe in something,didn t he? Even though it would be easier not to.He wasn t certain he could believe inhimself anymore, so maybe he could believe in Shaw.Lee ran his fingers down the tiles and frowned.But who the hell was Shaw anyway? Not a good guy, not if he was friends with aman like Vornis.Shaw felt different, but that was probably just a matter of perspective,and Lee s perspective had been skewed since Colombia.He couldn t trust what he felt.Shaw had said it himself: I m not a rapist, but I m a lot of other things. Shit, what the hellhad happened to him that not a rapist had become a glowing fucking characterreference?God, he wanted to believe Shaw.He wanted to trust Shaw, and that was stupid.Just because the guy hadn t hurt him, and just because he d said he d make that callonce he was off the island.And maybe just because Shaw was young and good-lookingand had gazed at the ocean like it meant something to him.And Shaw had trusted him first.There were cameras in the bungalow.Why had Shaw warned him about that?Okay, so he wanted Lee to put on a good show at night and to keep his mouth shut.Wouldn t it have been easier just to hurt him? That was how everyone else got him tocomply.So, Shaw wasn t a rapist, and he wasn t a sadist either.That only meant he wasa good guy in comparison to Vornis, but who the hell wasn t? Lee couldn t trust hisperspective.Here on the island, the man he had become wanted to fling himself blindly intofaith.But he knew the man he had been before would have been more guarded.Careful, Lee, careful.Then again, the man he d been before the island had a hell of a lot to lose.Whatwas he risking now, except his hope? And how much was hope worth? That was aphilosophical question, and Lee didn t have the luxury of those anymore.Hope wasworth nothing in practical terms.And in emotional terms, what did it matter if Shawcrushed his hope and his burgeoning trust? Lee had taken enough hits in the past eightweeks to know he could take more.They were always building him up just to breakhim again, with the drugs, the ill-treatment, and the unexpected kindnesses that itturned out hurt more than the torture.It was all about the juxtaposition, and Vornis wasa fucking expert. There now, boy, you re okay.There now.Have a little drink of water. Lisa Henry | The Island 52Right before the next white flash of pain.Shit, there d been a time when he d trusted Vornis as well. Come on, boy.Almost done.Not long now.Can you be a brave little soldier for me? Like they were on the same fucking side.And sometimes he still fell for it becausehe so desperately wanted it to be true.He wanted to be good, obedient, and compliant,and to believe Vornis would go easy on him for once.And he always ended up hatinghimself more than he hated Vornis.Vornis was clever like that.Tears stung Lee s eyes as he looked up at the stars again.He d slipped down intothe bathroom just to see them.The shower was safe.Safe from the cameras, safe fromthe guards, and safe from Vornis.It was lonely, though, without Shaw.Careful, Lee, careful.Lee frowned [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
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.He would slip them into his pockets and kept them until the end of the day.Some were too brittle and were crushed.Most of them ended up on the coral floor ofthe bungalow bathroom.He used them to while the days away.He used them to keephis focus.One foot in front of the other.One sand dollar and then another.In the beginning, he d wanted to be dead.He d wanted Vornis to just kill him andget it over with.Because nobody was coming for him.Nobody knew where he was.Shit, he didn t really know himself, except he knew it wasn t Colombia anymore.Fiji, Lisa Henry | The Island 50Irina had said, and Lee couldn t even pick out Fiji on a map.It didn t matter.But nowShaw was here, and something had changed.Shaw was going to get off the island andmake that call.For the first time in a long time, Lee allowed himself to think of thefuture.It turned out the future looked exactly like the past.It looked like the house he dgrown up in.It looked like his parents faces.No.Don t think of them.Not yet.He couldn t bear it if he never saw them again.Shaw had offered him a slim hope,but even if he was telling the truth, Lee couldn t trust that it would happen.He couldn tbuild himself up like that.He wouldn t.He could take some solace in his memories, butnot too much.Searching his memories was like pulling at a scab and reopening awound.He had learned to graze the surface, careful not to go too deep.A fine line, butpractice had shown him how to walk it.It was okay to think of places but not people.The memory of places gave himcomfort.The memory of people was too raw.He liked to imagine that he was back inthe house he d grown up in, lying in his bed and looking at the ceiling.The walls weredecorated with colorful pennants and posters of bands he d liked growing up.Whenhe d been home at Christmas, he d laughed at that.His mom kept the room like he wasstill a kid.Stepping through the door was like walking into the past.He d laughed, butnow there was nowhere he d rather be than sleeping in that bed, wearing his oldVikings T-shirt and sweatpants.Home was the safest place in the world.The next safest place was with Shaw.Lee looked out at the water again and turned the sand dollar over and over in hispalm.One foot in front of the other, and don t get ahead of yourself.* * * *The stars were very different here.Lee wondered if he would have felt so lost if hecould only look at the stars he knew.Or maybe that familiarity would have made itworse.His dad loved hiking and camping.Lee couldn t remember the number of timesthey d pitched a tent in the middle of nowhere and spent half the night staring up at thestars.He d known the patterns of the constellations as a child, but he didn t recognizethem half a world away.Lee pressed his hands on the tiled wall of the shower and looked up at the stars.Shaw was asleep upstairs.Now, now was a good time.Lee closed his eyes.Mom, Dad, if I don t make it home I m sorry it ended up like this.His throat constricted with the tears he d expected, and he fought them down. Lisa Henry | The Island 51I m sorry you ll always wonder what happened.Shaw had given him hope, but Lee didn t know what to do with it.He couldn ttrust it, and he wasn t sure he even wanted it.It was all very well to want to live, butafter this? He couldn t be the same person.He didn t know if he could look himself inthe eye, let alone his parents and his colleagues, so maybe it would be better ifNo.Hold on to hope.Count the sand dollars, pass the time, wait and see.Because if Shaw gave him hope, he had to take it.He had to believe in something,didn t he? Even though it would be easier not to.He wasn t certain he could believe inhimself anymore, so maybe he could believe in Shaw.Lee ran his fingers down the tiles and frowned.But who the hell was Shaw anyway? Not a good guy, not if he was friends with aman like Vornis.Shaw felt different, but that was probably just a matter of perspective,and Lee s perspective had been skewed since Colombia.He couldn t trust what he felt.Shaw had said it himself: I m not a rapist, but I m a lot of other things. Shit, what the hellhad happened to him that not a rapist had become a glowing fucking characterreference?God, he wanted to believe Shaw.He wanted to trust Shaw, and that was stupid.Just because the guy hadn t hurt him, and just because he d said he d make that callonce he was off the island.And maybe just because Shaw was young and good-lookingand had gazed at the ocean like it meant something to him.And Shaw had trusted him first.There were cameras in the bungalow.Why had Shaw warned him about that?Okay, so he wanted Lee to put on a good show at night and to keep his mouth shut.Wouldn t it have been easier just to hurt him? That was how everyone else got him tocomply.So, Shaw wasn t a rapist, and he wasn t a sadist either.That only meant he wasa good guy in comparison to Vornis, but who the hell wasn t? Lee couldn t trust hisperspective.Here on the island, the man he had become wanted to fling himself blindly intofaith.But he knew the man he had been before would have been more guarded.Careful, Lee, careful.Then again, the man he d been before the island had a hell of a lot to lose.Whatwas he risking now, except his hope? And how much was hope worth? That was aphilosophical question, and Lee didn t have the luxury of those anymore.Hope wasworth nothing in practical terms.And in emotional terms, what did it matter if Shawcrushed his hope and his burgeoning trust? Lee had taken enough hits in the past eightweeks to know he could take more.They were always building him up just to breakhim again, with the drugs, the ill-treatment, and the unexpected kindnesses that itturned out hurt more than the torture.It was all about the juxtaposition, and Vornis wasa fucking expert. There now, boy, you re okay.There now.Have a little drink of water. Lisa Henry | The Island 52Right before the next white flash of pain.Shit, there d been a time when he d trusted Vornis as well. Come on, boy.Almost done.Not long now.Can you be a brave little soldier for me? Like they were on the same fucking side.And sometimes he still fell for it becausehe so desperately wanted it to be true.He wanted to be good, obedient, and compliant,and to believe Vornis would go easy on him for once.And he always ended up hatinghimself more than he hated Vornis.Vornis was clever like that.Tears stung Lee s eyes as he looked up at the stars again.He d slipped down intothe bathroom just to see them.The shower was safe.Safe from the cameras, safe fromthe guards, and safe from Vornis.It was lonely, though, without Shaw.Careful, Lee, careful.Lee frowned [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]