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.It was also why he had been eager to tellsplendid glamorous telepathic stories to the deaf-and-dumb girl he now knew asMary Williams, and why he had been so bitterly disappointed to learn that thepleasure had turned into a Greek gift.It was also why (though ordinary people were always suspicions Of theassertion unless they had been shown its truth by someone likeHowson) there had never been a telepathist who was antisocial, who became amaster criminal or general of an army.No telepathist could stand in the placeof Chaka Zulu and order his hordes to ravage a season's journey in thedirection in which he cast his spear; no telepathist could consignfellow-beings to a gas chamber, or annihilate them in atomic war.They weretoo human to have shed all desire for power, but to enjoy it they had to takethe road into the isolation of madness; in the real world they suffered theirvictims' pain, and had no pleasure from cruelty.It was also the naked truth.Rudi's eyes flickered open, and he looked at the vacuous face masking the keenmind.Last night, when they first met, he had ignored the conventionalreaction to Howson's small stature, deformity, unprepossessing appearance -but because on principle he ignored the conventions which demanded thereactions.He was half-Israeli; perhaps his people had a legacy ofconventional prejudices enough to last them for eternity -all directed againstthem.So, by analogy, he would have leaned over backwards to avoid offending anegro.So would millions of people; only most of them, if they failed to learnthe logic of prejudice, learned the logic of self-interest and thereforeconformed.Rudi would not.He yielded now to the pressure of pain; it was easy to slip back into the fogPage 91 ABC Amber Palm Converter, http://www.processtext.com/abcpalm.htmlof despair.For Howson, it was very hard to follow him, but it had to be done- and he had done it often in the past.Why did you do it, Rudi?A complex picture of dissatisfaction with the work he had set himself to do;with the reception it had had; with the inability of other people tounderstand what he was doing.Add to that: money troubles, because of thestopping of his grant; emotional problems on a personal level - he needed theaffection and acceptance of a woman, any woman who could understand his needs- he was good-looking and pleasant, but that was not enough to secure theright partner.He had tried many, and the last had been cruel.And the mask hehad put up to protect himself against the scrutiny of the world had proved hisundoing - people who could not penetrate it, and therefore had no idea of theturmoil of sorrow boiling in his brain, had been tactless, unkind, reopeningold sores without realizing.So he had picked up a knife, and thought how much he would like oblivion.But Howson could see behind the mask, and therefore would not be tactless andunkind; he understood Rudi's needs, and could help and advise him.Hedismissed the superficialities, such as money trouble, with an impatientmental gesture, and went straight ahead to the factor which all through Rudi'sbitter survey of his reasons for suicide had taken the foremost place: hiswork.What work is this?Chaos, mingled with striving.Behind it all, very deep, was a need to createand bring forth - Howson found it amazingly feminine, much reminiscent ofcertain urges he had known in the deep unconscious of frustrated single women.From this sprang several consequences; he saw them presented all at once, buthad to verbalize them in succession.Though feminine, this impulse was also general-human.It had by-products whichhe merely noted and filed for reference - such as the reason why Rudi'screativity gave him agony (his deep unconscious saw it as parturition, andthat brings pain), and the reason why he chose to attempt suicide by hara-kiri(it represented a Caesarean delivery on the cross-identity level of his mind) [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
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.It was also why he had been eager to tellsplendid glamorous telepathic stories to the deaf-and-dumb girl he now knew asMary Williams, and why he had been so bitterly disappointed to learn that thepleasure had turned into a Greek gift.It was also why (though ordinary people were always suspicions Of theassertion unless they had been shown its truth by someone likeHowson) there had never been a telepathist who was antisocial, who became amaster criminal or general of an army.No telepathist could stand in the placeof Chaka Zulu and order his hordes to ravage a season's journey in thedirection in which he cast his spear; no telepathist could consignfellow-beings to a gas chamber, or annihilate them in atomic war.They weretoo human to have shed all desire for power, but to enjoy it they had to takethe road into the isolation of madness; in the real world they suffered theirvictims' pain, and had no pleasure from cruelty.It was also the naked truth.Rudi's eyes flickered open, and he looked at the vacuous face masking the keenmind.Last night, when they first met, he had ignored the conventionalreaction to Howson's small stature, deformity, unprepossessing appearance -but because on principle he ignored the conventions which demanded thereactions.He was half-Israeli; perhaps his people had a legacy ofconventional prejudices enough to last them for eternity -all directed againstthem.So, by analogy, he would have leaned over backwards to avoid offending anegro.So would millions of people; only most of them, if they failed to learnthe logic of prejudice, learned the logic of self-interest and thereforeconformed.Rudi would not.He yielded now to the pressure of pain; it was easy to slip back into the fogPage 91 ABC Amber Palm Converter, http://www.processtext.com/abcpalm.htmlof despair.For Howson, it was very hard to follow him, but it had to be done- and he had done it often in the past.Why did you do it, Rudi?A complex picture of dissatisfaction with the work he had set himself to do;with the reception it had had; with the inability of other people tounderstand what he was doing.Add to that: money troubles, because of thestopping of his grant; emotional problems on a personal level - he needed theaffection and acceptance of a woman, any woman who could understand his needs- he was good-looking and pleasant, but that was not enough to secure theright partner.He had tried many, and the last had been cruel.And the mask hehad put up to protect himself against the scrutiny of the world had proved hisundoing - people who could not penetrate it, and therefore had no idea of theturmoil of sorrow boiling in his brain, had been tactless, unkind, reopeningold sores without realizing.So he had picked up a knife, and thought how much he would like oblivion.But Howson could see behind the mask, and therefore would not be tactless andunkind; he understood Rudi's needs, and could help and advise him.Hedismissed the superficialities, such as money trouble, with an impatientmental gesture, and went straight ahead to the factor which all through Rudi'sbitter survey of his reasons for suicide had taken the foremost place: hiswork.What work is this?Chaos, mingled with striving.Behind it all, very deep, was a need to createand bring forth - Howson found it amazingly feminine, much reminiscent ofcertain urges he had known in the deep unconscious of frustrated single women.From this sprang several consequences; he saw them presented all at once, buthad to verbalize them in succession.Though feminine, this impulse was also general-human.It had by-products whichhe merely noted and filed for reference - such as the reason why Rudi'screativity gave him agony (his deep unconscious saw it as parturition, andthat brings pain), and the reason why he chose to attempt suicide by hara-kiri(it represented a Caesarean delivery on the cross-identity level of his mind) [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]